For a few weeks now my relationship with my boyfriend Ryan has been extremely difficult. It’s not easy for anyone when you love someone and suddenly things change, it hurts and it truly sucks. It got me thinking though, when is the right time to call it quits?
Ryan and I have been dating just over two years. He entered my life just as it was getting back on track, I didn’t have any faith in blokes and I imagined myself spending my life alone with Shaniah. Shaniah’s sperm donor of a dad took advantage of my young and inexperienced ways and it really put me off blokes and to be truthful I just thought all men were the same.
Up until a few weeks ago our relationship was picture perfect, yes we had disagreements but what couple doesnt? we managed to get through them and that’s what really mattered. But these past couple of weeks things just weren’t how they usually were. The cuddles became few and far between, Ryan would come over for the night but spend it all sat on his phone scrolling for hours through Facebook or watching fishing videos on YouTube or even playing games. It seemed everything had his attention except me. At the time I just blanked it I knew for a fact he wasnt cheating and work was hard on him at the moment.
Last Monday night he was on his phone again so I decided id go on mine too, he looked at me but i didn’t say anything to be honest I didn’t know i had too! A few hours passed and I asked him if he could come off of his phone so we could spend some time together without the devices. He flipped. He jumped up and got ready to leave, confused by his sudden outburst I got up too and went to give him a hug, that used to calm him down when we had arguments before, not this time though. this time he pushed me away and carried on in his rage. Who was this guy? It’s not the Ryan i grew to know and love. After a few moments on his own he came in tail between his legs sorry about how he had behaved. I understood and I knew that work was hard at the moment so I said let’s go to bed and get some rest, you’ll feel better in the morning. The next day he was back to normal, the smiley happy chappy I grew to love.
Fast forward to last night and we find ourselves at the start of another argument. Ryan had come over and said that he’s off out this weekend with his mates, which usually end in an argument anyway as anybody who has drunk too much would know. I never once said I didn’t want him to go I just went silent which to a bloke is just the same as saying no. he flipped accusing me of never letting him see his mates. I told him calmly that I don’t mind him going out with his mates in fact I bloody encourage it. growing up with epilepsy I didn’t have a friendship group and growing up alone isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. I simply thought that we are in the 21st century now, there’s so much more you can do with your mates that doesn’t include getting wasted. Note to self: Dont ever tell a bloke that. It escalated to the point where he told me that his feelings towards me have changed, he no longer loved me the way he used to and he had been feeling that way for a while.
Hearing those words felt as though someone had just stuck a knife through my chest how could the guy of my dreams say such a thing in the tone of which you’d tell the waiter/waitress what you’d like to order? There was no emotion in it he literally sounded as though he didn’t care anymore. Any normal human would get the hint and call it quits, after all that’s what he truly wanted but I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t lose the bloke that had made me who I am today, he’s more than just as boyfriend he is my everything. He’s the bloke that got the doctors to listen to me about something being wrong with my heart, he was the bloke that stood behind me and cheered me on when job hunting was a struggle, he was the voice telling me to never give up when email after email came back from job vacancies telling me I wasnt what they were looking for. How could the day finally be coming where I may never hear or see from him again? The thought of that hurt so badly, I wanted to wake up and it would all be a dream but it wouldn’t happen I sure as hell was living this moment and it chilled me to the bone. Although the end was inevitable I didn’t want it to be and I was willing to try to make this work there wasnt a tiny bit of me that didnt want to try to make a go of things. My emotions ran away with me and I went through all the god things we’ve been through and how I wasn’t prepared to throw all that away for the sake of one little argument, Ryan fell silent so I guessed it was the end of the road and went to get his stuff tears rolling down my face I handed them to him.
A few minutes went by and he came over to me and gave me a hug, he didn’t want to give up on us and was prepared to try to make a go of things, I cried even more than I was and gave him a major hug, I know we aren’t out of the woods yet but the fact he’s willing to make a go of things screams volumes.
So I guess the meaning of this post is don’t be too quick to call time on your relationship, like everything in life there is always going to be struggles, there is going to be times where you feel like giving up, there will be times where they piss you off, there will be times where you won’t see each other on when you plan to but there will be more times where you’ll be happy, you’ll be in love and it will make those bad moments seem just a distant memory.