If you are a regular to my blog you’ll know that my boyfriend isn’t my daughters dad. I started seeing Ryan when Shaniah was 10 months old. Up until then it was just Shaniah and I.
I have always been the shy one. I’ve never found talking to people easy, I mean I want to talk to people I just physically can’t it’s like my mouth is glued shut, it’s a horrible feeling.
When Ryan took me to meet his whole family at his brothers child’s christening I couldn’t have been further out of my comfort zone. I couldn’t just go up to someone I’ve never seen before and start a conversation that is impossible for me and as a result, nobody came up to me either. Which didn’t overly bother me at first.
Fast forward 2 years and although my confidence is getting better, I’m starting to talk to his parent’s more, Its hard but im pushing myself. But aside from that nothing has changed. so it got me thinking how do you join a family that is already built?
I am so lucky in the sense that Ryan’s parents have invited both Shaniah and I to many day trips and we’ve even been on a few of their family holidays but the tension is definitely there.
Ryan has two older brothers who have families of their own and it’s so nice to see the great bond everyone has with everyone. It’s like a picture perfect family, one I’ve dreamed of all my life.
Within the first couple of months it was clear that I wasn’t liked by everyone in the family but that’s okay as you can never be liked by everyone so that didn’t bother me too much but as the months progressed it has started to eat away at me, there’s been evenings mainly after days out where I’ve just sat there and cried my eyes out. Telling Ryan that no matter how hard I try I simply don’t feel that they want to allow me in. We’ve had times where I’ve told him that he needs to find someone who they will accept I mean being in a relationship with someone who has pretty obvious baggage isn’t to everyone’s taste and I totally understand that but surely it shouldn’t be this hard to feel a part of something?
My life was tough growing up, I never really felt as though I was part of a family, I always felt as though I was an outsider. Maybe that’s why I’m finding this so hard? I don’t know. I know that they’ve all known each other a lot, lot, lot longer than I’ve been around but I can’t imagine it taking this long for them.
Don’t really know where I’m going with this I guess I just wanted to vent. Sometimes it feels like whatever I’m doing just isn’t enough. Maybe I’m just overreacting and things will get better in time. I sure hope so…